We've all been in a conversation with our spouse when the words that were said did not thoroughly communicate the thoughts, feelings and emotions behind the words that were said. So what was behind his words? What did she really mean? That's the Meta-Message, and clearly articulating the Meta-Message means honestly communicating on a deep level.

While no chapter and verse could be identified to answer this question, it was agreed upon that children are a blessing from the LORD. They may not always seem like a blessing, but most blessings come with some degree of price. Further, it is important to define "blessing." If blessing is defined as eternal bliss, then no, children are not a blessing. But in the context of the LORD using our children to teach us about Himself, using them to develop our character, and allowing us to experience loving someone without pre-conditions and without always receiving love in return, then yes, it cannot be denied that children are a blessing from the LORD.

Should a couple choose to not have children, they would be electing to not experience a blessing from the LORD. Could more be said? Probably.

From those who know, the consensus is that a couple's sex-life actually improves over time. There are probably a number of reasons for this. My theory about a couple's sex-life improving following children entering the picture is that sex is no longer something that is completely spontaneous between a couple or something that is largely based on feelings and/or convience, but rather becomes something that a husband and a wife learn to plan for, and as a result, sex becomes a definite, loving decision that spouses make for each other. There are probably other theories and answers, but that's a start.

From the Cultural Observation file:

Barna: Survey Describes the Spiritual Gifts That Christians Say They Have

The Bible teaches that all followers of Christ are given supernatural abilities by God to serve Him better, known as spiritual gifts. Two-thirds of Americans (68%) who say they are Christian noted they have heard of spiritual gifts, according to a national survey by The Barna Group. That represents a small decline from past surveys, which found 72% awareness in 2000, and 71% in 1995.

Awareness of spiritual gifts was most common among self-described Christians who live in the South (75%) and West (71%), and least common among those living in the Midwest (63%) and Northeast (58%).

Such awareness also varied within the various segments of the self-described Christian population. For instance, 99% of evangelicals have heard of spiritual gifts, far more than the 74% among non-evangelical born again Christians and 58% among notional Christians. Similarly, there was a large gap between Protestants (75%) and Catholics (54%) in awareness. Even within the Protestant community there was a noteworthy gap between those who attend a mainline church (68% awareness) and those who attend a Protestant congregation not associated with a mainline denomination (78%).

Which Gifts People Claim

The survey asked people who said they were Christian and who claimed to have heard of spiritual gifts to identify which gifts they believe God has granted to them. The most commonly claimed gifts were teaching (9%), service (8%) and faith (7%). Those were followed by encouragement (4%), healing (4%), knowledge (4%), and tongues (3%). The gift of leadership was mentioned by just 2%.

There were significant differences in the answers provided by evangelicals, non-evangelical born agains and notional Christians. Evangelicals were more likely than people from the other faith segments to say that they had gifts of teaching (28%), service (12%), encouragement (10%), and administration (7%). The non-evangelical born again segment was the group most likely to claim the gifts of faith (10%) and hospitality (3%). Notional Christians were most notable for having the largest percentage who said they had no gift at all (37%, compared to 16% of evangelicals and 24% of non-evangelical born agains).

Examining the data for all born again Christians (i.e., evangelical and non-evangelical combined) over the past 13 years shows several change patterns:

1. The percentage that claims to have the gift of encouragement has grown steadily from 2% in 1995 to 6% today.
2. Since 1995, the proportion of born again adults claiming the gift of evangelism dropped from 4% to 1%.
3. Those who do not know what their gift is rose from 8% in 2000 to 13% today.

False Gifts

The survey also found that many people who say they have heard of spiritual gifts were not necessarily describing the same gifts outlined in the Bible. Among the gifts claimed that are not among those deemed to be spiritual gifts in the passages of scripture that teach about gifts (Romans 12:6-8, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4:7-13, 1 Peter 4:10-11) were a sense of humor, singing, health, life, happiness, patience, a job, a house, compromise, premonition, creativity, and clairvoyance.

In total, one-fifth of all the gifts cited by respondents (21%) were attributes that do not fit the biblical lists of gifts given by God.

Thoughts on the Meaning of the Results

The survey data point out several interesting conditions.

1. Between those who do not know their gift (15%), those who say they don't have one (28%) and those who claimed gifts that are not biblical (20%), nearly two-thirds of the self-identified Christian population who claim to have heard about spiritual gifts have not been able to accurately apply whatever they have heard or what the Bible teaches on the subject to their lives.
2. A specific set of gifts, commonly described as the charismatic gifts, are widely possessed by Christians. Overall, 13% of Christian adults claimed to have one of more of those gifts (e.g., healing, interpretation, knowledge, miracles, prophecy, tongues). The people most likely to say they have a charismatic gift are woman (twice as likely as men); people without any college education; born again Christians; and people 45 or older. Intriguingly, although 13% say they have one or more charismatic gifts, the survey revealed that nearly twice as many (23%) described themselves as charismatics.
3. One of the reasons the evangelical community may seem to be so verbal about its faith and faith-driven convictions relates to the fact that more than one-quarter of them (28%) claim the gift of teaching. Possessing that gift might also raise people's expectations regarding the quality of sermons and other teaching received at their church, triggering the often-cited high turnover within evangelical congregations.
4. By the same token, the fact that evangelicals were far more likely to claim the gifts of administration and service also reflects the widely-cited tendency of the group to be well-organized and to be generous in donating its time and energy to causes it deems worthy.
5. A much higher percentage of born again Christians claims to be a leader than cites having been given the spiritual gift of leadership. This suggests that perhaps many Christian leaders are torn between relying upon their natural talent and training rather than depending upon God's gifting to empower their leadership. This issue may be even broader than the struggle of leaders. Spiritual gifts are provided as "special abilities" that enable believers to serve each other (as indicated in 1 Peter 4:10 and Romans 12:7). The struggle of the aggregate Christian Church in America may be related to the fact that a large share of individual believers who engage in ministry do so on the basis of personal preference and natural talent rather than supernatural capacities, resulting in ineffective ministry.
6. The stagnation of evangelism relates to many factors, but one of those is probably the fact that just 1% of Christian adults (self-described or born again) claims the gift of evangelism. While the Bible never suggests that one must possess this gift in order to share the gospel, the depressed proportion of believers who identify with that gift reflects the stalled growth of the Christian body in America.

The Secret of a Close-Knit Family or Relationship
Dr. Gary Smalley

The real secret to becoming a close-knit family is shared experiences that turn into shared trials.
--Gary Smalley

Several years ago, we interviewed healthy families across the country and asked them each the same question: "What do you believe is the main reason you are all so close and happy as a family?" What we found amazed us. Each family gave basically the same answer, "We do a lot of activities together." Upon further study, we discovered these families also had one particular activity in common -- camping. For those of you who do not like camping, don't panic. We are not necessarily advocating camping. Instead, we believe the secret to being a close-knit family almost always can be found in camping because two very important things happen. The principle is also true for husbands and wives without children, and dating relationships.

1. Close-knit relationships result from people sharing numerous experiences. The reason why shared experiences are so important is because they provide great memories which draw people together. Professional athletes say the hardest part of retirement is that they miss the camaraderie of their team. That unique bond is built through hard training and competing together over months and years. That closeness should be a part of every family. By doing several things it can be!

2. Dealing with difficulties in a positive manner. Another important part of how a shared experience can bond family members together is through dealing with difficulties in a positive manner. When we camp, we can usually anticipate rain, mosquitoes, running out of gas, a flat tire, losing the traveler's checks, or forgetting the main ingredient to a meal. When families share such conflicts, they can be drawn closer together. However, confronting such a crisis may not immediately draw a family together. Frequently, families experience a lot of stress. We can easily become irritable and upset with each other. But remember: a certain amount of anger or stress is natural in a conflict or mishap. But family members need to recognize this and not close each other's spirits. If, however, conflict arises from within the family, that conflict may separate them, because it violates the principles we discussed earlier (honor and dishonor). If, on the other hand, the conflict has come from outside the family and we have not offended each other, we must realize that, in a few days or weeks, we can reflect on the experience. Usually, in laughter, we'll see how it has drawn us closer together.

Being together, as families, at various times throughout the year, is very important. So let's discuss some practical and meaningful ways to actually be together.

Three Practical Ways to Share Life Together

1. Schedule Regular Times Together. Because we cannot develop a deep relationship with our loved ones unless we spend meaningful time together, we need to set aside a few minutes each month to schedule "family time." Spending time together is a decision that must be made and kept. We may have days when we prefer not to be with the family or feel we don't have time. In that case, we must evaluate how we spend our time and how we can rearrange or eliminate areas in our schedule in order to be with the family. A word of caution. Broken promises play a major part in closing the spirits of our loved ones. We must be careful to follow through when we plan times together.

2. Discover Each Person's Most Meaningful Activity. Once we agree on the importance of spending time together as a family, then we need to find out each family member's most enjoyable activities. You might use the zero to ten scale, with ten being the most fun and fulfilling.

3. Design Togetherness Times With Each Family Member In Mind. After learning everyone's wishes for family activities and experiences, families can design a trip, vacation, or special outing that meets the needs of all family members.

When we share experiences together as a family it forms the very fiber that weaves a family into a close-knit unit. But it doesn't happen unless we recognize the value of being together and schedule times with each member's interests in mind.

Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center

As I mentioned above, the prescribed portion of Tending 2 Marriage series has come to a close, and we're having a Bonus Week coming up! To refresh your memory about where we've been, you can review the summaries by following these links:

• Week 1: The Foundation of Marriage -- Jim Colledge
• Week 2: Wrap-Up of Foundations, Q&A -- Jim Colledge
• Week 3: Parenting -- The Galieti Family
• Week 4: Money & Finance -- Andrew & Bena Paisley
• Week 5: Sex -- Matt & Sara Koons
• Week 6: Capstone, Discussion, Q&A -- Mark Lile

  (The names above are linked to their respective e-mail addresses, in the event you'd like to send your thanks or to ask a question.)

Enjoy your week. Send an encouraging e-mail to a friend.

RG